my bro's memories are still clouding up my mind

Three days ago, specifically las Jan-19-09, was my brother’s death anniversary. And I was so damned that time that I want to curse myself for I just remembered it at passed one in the afternoon during our 3-hour chemistry lab. I was writing in the borrower’s list of some laboratory apparatuses that my partner and I will borrow for our experiment. When I wrote the figures 1 and 9 in the date of submission, it was like a thunderbolt struck me that I was like electrocuted for real. I nearly screamed and utter the shit word when I realized that I forgot that this day is my brother’s death anniversary. Why would I forget?
I really cannot establish or perhaps “termed” if what kind of sibling relationship did my older brother and I have. It was four year ago, in an “exact” estimation, it was 3 years, 11 months, 30 days, 2 hours and 20 minutes ago. He was in a young age of 16 then, while I was 12. He was the kind of brother whom you will look up to and despise at the same time. Sometimes, especially when his moody and unfortunately you managed to clash in his way, he would usually scold you or victimized you with his cold shoulder. He was definitely a man of words. Straight forward. Strong in retort. And he does not hell care if you do not like what he is doing or what he is going to do at you. But even if there are a lot of bad things you have to throw to him, the good ones are still the ones undaunted. His precious “closed-eyes” smiles, his sometimes unbelievably remarkable and sensible comments and opinions about anything under the heat of the sun, his “corny” jokes, his intelligence, and most importantly, his being a brother to me, are just a prick of that.

I admit the fact that my brother and I do not have the perfect or even the ideal brother-sister rapport. We fight most of the time. We hurt each other most of the time. By hands. And by words. We sometimes even neglect each other for other petty things. But a great bro-sis bonding is not all about those Hansels and Gretels nor Jacks and Jills where there is neither dirt of misunderstanding nor sign of conflict between the two. Somehow, through those unfortunate and unlikely remarks of ours to each other we were able to fully know who is Jigger and who Inday is. I know he could have been a better brother to me and I could have been a better sister to him but most of the time we just have to leave it like that. God knows maybe it is the best way we can show how we love each other and express how to be a sibling to each other despite those mistakes and an imperfect match up. But now, I really don’t care about how we were as a brother and a sister nor how was our relationship then before he left us. All I care now is that even though it was already a few years ago since he passed away, I still could remember the exact details of almost everything. The night when he had the attack… The last TV show and commercial we watched together with my other 2 siblings... His pale, stone-dead and unresponsive face… His cold feet that lingered throughout my veins when I touched him as he was rushed out of our house to the hospital…The strong embrace of my younger sister and me to each other out of fear about what had happened and how desperately we knelt down to our altar just to pray to Virgin Mary to make our brother safe… The longest sleep of my life waiting for a phone call from the hospital to our neighbor of what happened… The most indescribable grief I felt when I heard what was the result… The time when I went to school the morning after that night to ask our adviser if I could absent for a couple of days, crying like I never have cried before in our classroom with my classmates and my teacher sadly hearing the news… How the earth like have fallen into my heart when I saw my older sister who was currently studying in Iloilo went to the chapel all shocked and with her non-stop tears flowing… How outraged my family and I were when my dumb and fucking math teacher, (the bitch Virgie Galiego, haha still can’t forget her name, she’s in my list for those I want to assassinate if given a chance) mocked my brother’s death and threw a sweeping generalization that I was liking the fact that my brother’s death made me excuse class for awhile, which is crap and bullshit reasoning for a teacher like her…How “dead” our family’s life was after months of grief and missing Jigger SO MUCH and TOO MUCH… And how we all learned to fight and move on, to keep living life at its best, to still trust God despite taking my brother away from us, to continue solidifying the foundation our family has built, and how to never forget the things that Jigger thought to us, that he had put in our lives, and that the life he had inspired to us…

Well, enough of remembering… It continues to live within us anyway…

Jig,
If you are here beside me while typing this one out or if there is a strong wifi connection there in heaven and you are always online in friendster and multiply…
Just want to let you know… How I miss you SO MUCH and TOO MUCH!!!
YOU STILL ROCK FOR ME BRO!!! GO SCIENTIST WANNABE!!! Hahaha… if you are just here right now maybe my chemistry and botany nose-bleeders will be solved… SO… kindly send me some of your freaking brain cells to power-up mine… =)


Love lots,
Your sis